Jerry Lawler vs. Terry Funk - Empty Arena Match

When I watched this match I realized that it really wasn't much of a match but more an angle. There is some brawling in it, but the bulk of the presentation on this disc is the build up, and the anticipation. Terry Funk saunters on screen with an envelope in hand.



"First of all I'd like to say that Jerry Lawler is a son of a jackass. He is a lover of chickens."

And if there were more fierce fighting words than calling someone a chicken fucker, I don't know what they are. Terry Funk is belligerent and assured that he can't get a fair shake at Jerry Lawler. Everybody's on Jerry Lawler's side because this is his town. So he hands the envelope over to Lance Russell to deliver to the King. It has a time and it has a place.

When I was about 13 years old I remember the time and the place was the Huntingburg City Park at 4:45, because it would take you about 40 minutes to get home and check in with your parents from when school was out at 3:20 PM and another 45 minutes to get across town to the park. Word had gotten down, somehow, from the High School to the Middle School that there was going to be a fight. By the time I strolled in with a couple of my friends I came upon two 17 year olds with their eyes locked flanked by about 40 kids who didn't have cable TV. They paced that circle for what seemed like another 40 minutes before a voice from somewhere in the back said the words that have started so many epic battles throughout the years. "What are you guys, pussies?" And suddenly they flew at each other in a flurry of awkwardness and testosterone. I'd say it was probably about 40 seconds before one of them laid with a busted lip and appeared to have tears welling up in his eyes. I remember the victor slowly rising up off of him, quietly. And then everyone just disappeared, like fog billowing and dissipating all inside of 30 seconds.

Years later, after achieving what could legally be called adulthood, I remember sitting at the picnic tables at that same park. It was late in the evening, and as there's really not many bars in small town Indiana, the park was often used as a meeting place for the young and the old alike. There were brick shelters in a couple of spots inside the park, punctuated by a beach volleyball net on one side and a baseball field on the other. These shelters had all the style that could be expected of small town government ventures. An assortment of rainbow-coloured picnic tables inside them, the paint chipping off and splinters for all. It never stopped people from booking them out.

I could hear a ruckus and the locust-like sound of scurrying sets of feet coming towards me. Alcohol wasn't allowed in the park, but it seemed to reside there anyway. And I saw, stumbling out of the shelter a khaki-short wearing young man, glasses on his head backwards and the scruff of his neck being held by a balding old coot with the waistline of his slacks approaching his chest. The entire way, the kid was insulting every branch of the guy's family tree. Finally, he discarded him outside of the shelter and started to wipe his hands of the whippersnapper. Then that young man said the words that have started so many epic battles throughout the years. "What are you, a pussy?"

Cue the locust swarm. This old guy instantly about-faced came back out and had his dukes up like a 1930's prize fighter. The old guy basically opened up a clock cleaning business right on the drunkard's face. I'll never forget that guy wailing afterwards, and how the fog vanished as he was left there crying about his nose and his expensive sunglasses. When the police arrived and found this bloody mess, I could hear him crying again, but this time he was telling them how he got sucker punched and he'd have taken him in a fair fight, even though he could barely defeat falling over on his rubber legs as he yelled.



We see the empty arena, where Lance Russell is talking to the camera man about what may or may not happen this evening when Terry Funk walks into the arena cussing up a storm. Jerry Lawler eventually shows up, and becomes the first man to ever show up to a street fight wearing a crown and cape.



Funk continues running Lawler down as only a crazy belligerent person can. Lawler wants to keep this a wrestling match but it quickly disintegrates into the street brawl it was meant to be. Eventually Funk hits a piledriver on the floor, and goes to the wooden steps where he breaks a piece of it off. His voice is getting higher and higher in pitch before he tries to stab Lawler IN THE EYE with it.


"You son of a bitch you tried to kill me! I'm gonna get his eye!"

It ends up backfiring as Lawler kicks Funk in the elbow and the stake goes into HIS eye. Lawler goes down to his knees and prepares to punch Funk again but holds up as Funk is screaming in agony and nearly in tears. Lawler stands up slowly and walks away. All the while Funk begs for help, which turns to him asking where Lawler went? "Where is that coward?! He's yellow. Lawler's yellow."

It's fantastic to see. Everything. Conflict is a part of life. You can be a hippie or you can be a businessman and you'll still find conflict somewhere. And where you see conflict, you'll see people. When I was 13 years old, I remember thinking 'this is how kids solve their problems'. And then when I became an 'adult' I realized that adult is just a word we make up to pretend we don't fight and scrap exactly like we did when we were 13. And there are millions of ghosts shifting in and fading out around those scraps.

CHIKARA High Noon Preview

It wasn't all that long ago that wrestling companies started pumping out Internet Pay Per Views. It's much cheaper than the traditional cable pay per view and it skips past all the non-sense that comes with getting on different providers and obtaining a decent slot amidst the UFC's, WWE's and TNA's (Well, maybe not TNA's...). A lot of people were asking when CHIKARA would come on board. They've made leaps and bounds in the past year. Ever since the huge success that was King of Trios 2011, there have been more eyes on them than ever and it's fitting that their first iPPV would be the one that crowned their very first Singles Champion.

Just in case there are people a little weary of the idea of an internet PPV; I was too. I assumed the quality would be poor or perhaps there might be issues with connection speed. GoFightLive (gfl.tv) has a test stream available to gauge how your internet can handle it. In the handful of times since I've jumped on the bandwagon, I've never run into any issues with buffering video at all. For the record I just have a basic ethernet connection. Additionally, just like the grand old days of VHS, once you've purchased the feed, it's yours. You can go into your account at any time and watch the stream again. With the technicalities out of the way, let's take a look at the card.

Jigsaw vs. El Generico - Preview before the PPV

This will be the preview for the show streaming at U-Stream: http://www.ustream.tv/user/CHIKARAMedia

Jigsaw has been out with a bicep injury for a number of months and he and partner Mike Quackenbush just dropped the Campeonatos de Parejas to F.I.S.T. a short while ago. Without question, he's one of the sharpest guys on the CHIKARA roster and it's a shame he's been limited so far in his return. El Generico is one of the top 5 wrestlers in the US right now by my estimation. He's had amazing matches in PWG, ROH, CHIKARA and anywhere else he's shown up.
There's no real storyline to this match, but you can expect it to be fantastic and really a great way to entice people showing the fun spirit of CHIKARA and some fantastic wrestling.

Amasis Speaks

Not long after their great showing at KoT '11 the Osirian Portal very suddenly lost its Funkiest Member. Amasis was pushed out of action 'indefinitely' in June 2011 due to injuries sustained outside of wrestling. This was a huge blow in a lot of ways because I've found if there's one guy who I can nudge my non-wrestling friends into watching some wrestling with, it's Amasis. He's super charismatic, and let's face it, everyone loved Breakin' 2: Electric Boogaloo, and Amasis is that movie incarnate. This is actually one of the things I'm most interested in on the PPV. It would be wonderful to see him in the ring again, but I just hope he's doing well and that he sticks around CHIKARA in the years to come.

Colt Cabana vs. Archibald Peck

The undisputed Leader of the Band, Archibald Peck has found a new mascot: former CHIKARA competitor and Tag Team specialist Colt Cabunny. Cabunny was in a tag team with CP Munk many years ago. He had been in retirement, assumedly in a whole, outwitting Dutch Mantell and WWF mainstay Skinner before Peck enlisted his services. His namesake, Colt Cabana, however, isn't convinced that the partnership is amicable.



Indeed, it seems that Cabunny somehow was coerced into becoming Peck's mascot, and since joining has been tormented by Marchie Archie as evidenced in this blog post (http://www.chikarapro.com/blog/11-2-2011.php). In their first meeting, Peck used some underhanded methods (including time travel) to best Cabana. With Cabunny doing his bidding now, it certainly looks like Archibald has the advantage. You can bet Colt has a gameplan though, and if he can get through to his old friend, it could certainly prove interesting!

Green Ant vs. Tursas

One thing CHIKARA does better than any other company is re-create that feeling of being a kid that loves wrestling. The Green Ant/Tursas feud is my favourite example of this. They took what might have been a very average feud between two young guys and injected some CHIKARA serum into it. That serum consists of great long-term storytelling, a little bit of nostalgia and some common sense. That last one is much more of a commodity nowadays.

The feud started at King of Trios, when Tursas' interference in the Colony vs. BDK match backfired and Green Ant, a rather tall, skinny ant hoisted him up ala Lex Luger on the USS Intrepid and slammed him down. He then finished up with a Rebel Rack on Jakob Hammermeier for the win. Leading up to Chikarasaurus Rex, Green Ant hopped aboard the Flex Express harkening back to the Lex Express that Luger took around America. Their match at Chikarasaurus Rex was an excellent match. The thing that works with Tursas is he really works like a big man and doesn't just bump all around and it makes it that much more impactful when someone does get him off his feet. In the end, Jakob interfered costing Green Ant the match.

This looks to be the final showdown between the two and Green Ant has gotten some advice from both Eddie Kingston and Ultramantis Black, the only two men to beat Tursas. He's got a tall order ahead of him to say the least!

Gregory Iron vs. Icarus

I don't think that Icarus has ever been cheered in CHIKARA. Which is quite the accomplishment givien the light-hearted nature of the company. Between his membership in F.I.S.T. and his horrific back tattoo he is a perennial bad guy through and through.

Gregory Irons, on the other hand, is a miraculous story. In spite of having Cerebral Palsy, he's managed to become a Pro Wrestler, and a pretty good one at that. He really makes no qualms about his disability, his nickname being the "Handicapped Hero" and his entrance music is Bobby Brown's "On Our Own" from Ghostbusters 2.

If you haven't had a chance to see Iron work, this should be a good showcase.

The Colony (Fire Ant and Soldier Ant) vs. the Young Bucks

Two teams with two points towards tag team gold meet up. A third point in CHIKARA would earn one of these teams a shot at the Campeonatos de Parejas. The Colony (with Green Ant) are the current Kings of Trios, and have been on a roll since acquiring their awesome golden ant capes.



The Young Bucks left TNA earlier this year and have been mainstays in CHIKARA the last few months with great results including wins over the Batiri and the BDK on their way to High Noon.

Whoever wins will get the F.I.S.T. team of Gargano and Taylor for the titles.

The Spectral Envoy vs. Ares and Tim Donst - No Disqualification

Ultra Mantis Black and Hallowicked are putting their masks on the line, Donst is putting up his hair and Ares is putting up the Eye of Tyr in this match. The Eye of Tyr, of course, has been the catalyst for many big events in CHIKARA, most notably the forming of the BDK and the brainwashing of former Spectral Envoy stablemate/friend Delirious.

This match likely is the BDK's last stand as if they lose the Eye of Tyr (and to a lesser extend Donst's luscious locks) their destruction is imminent. Ares has put off a showdown with Ultramantis on countless occasions, to the point where the devious Black made a point of attacking BDK members to draw his attention and show his intentions. Just as the theme to the PPV states, "It's High Noon, for the BDK". Will they make it to 12:01?

12 Large Summit Final: Eddie Kingston vs. Mike Quackenbush

This is probably the most fitting final to a Tournament named after the late, great Larry Sweeney. Quackenbush and Kingston, by all accounts, were two of his closest friends and if you watched the Opening night of King of Trios, you could see the outpouring of emotion from both men in their matches. This is both a fitting tribute to a fallen friend, but also an important mark in CHIKARA history as it will decide the first Singles Champion in a company that's been going for 10 years.
Quackenbush is the founder of the company and he's been wrestling for many years. I often recall reading results during the genesis of the Internet featuring him alongside Reckless Youth. Mike's had some monumental matches in that time. Just in CHIKARA, the tag team match last December where he and Jigsaw won the Campeonatos de Parejas was molten hot and a terrific match, as well as his 12 Large Summit match with Hallowicked documented earlier in this blog. There is going to be the pressure to 'live up' to the main event of CHIKARA's first pay per view, and Mike Quackenbush always delivers.

On the other side will be Eddie Kingston. A CHIKARA original as well, and also one of the scariest men on the roster. The great thing about Kingston is that he can, for instance, do the hilarious play-by-play he did on Dragon Dragon's debut (YouTube it!) but then just shut the smile off and narrow his eyes and he suddenly becomes a very frightening and intense guy. For example, his promo for this very match.



This is a very important match. It's important to both men for what it means to their fallen friend, to CHIKARA going forward, and to how they'll be perceived after this point.

The one thing I can say about CHIKARA, and I can't say this about much wrestling anymore, you will have fun watching it. Fifteen dollars is a small stipend for the great wrestling you will undoubtedly see and the laughs you will have. If it sounds like I'm shilling, I absolutely am, but only because CHIKARA brought me back into wrestling and has given me the ability to enjoy it and share it with other people.
If you thought about watching wrestling again, if you were a fan and you've ever wondered what it's like nowadays, check out High Noon. You won't be disappointed.

Prose Wrestling

Professional Wrestling has always told stories. It's its own brand of fiction. Fighting fiction. In this way, it can be kind of limited because eventually somebody has to pin another guy. I think that's part of what I love about wrestling. It gives you this set of parameters and says "What will you do with this?". I've always needed a little direction, myself, and so I love seeing the creativity that flows out of these tight spots.

So, when I see someone do something REALLY crazy and unique, I have to share it.

Big Japan Wrestling is a Death Match Organization. I can't begin to tell you the crazy matches they've had. The tame stuff would probably be Bed of Spikes Death Matches or Barbed Wire Light Tube Death Matches. In a lot of ways I think this would be akin to say a Horror genre within movies. That is, something that has art to it, but is looked down upon. It houses some of the ugliest men you'll ever see destroying one another and bleeding all over the place.

With that in mind, they have been putting on these specialty shows for the past few years. What's more special than a Barbed Wire Spider Web Scaffold Match, you may ask?

SHAKESPEARE.



The shows are equal parts acting, and wrestling. The wrestlers will have a monologue or a scene pre-match and a prologue after the match.

The matches themselves are themed as well. Such as Romeo (Jun) Kasai vs. Juliet (Jaki) Numazawa in a Poison Death Match...Well watch for yourself.





Up next? Macbeth.

DDT!!

I was reading up on some DDT news and apparently they just held their biggest show yet. On it was a match between Bob Sapp, who is a pretty notorious MMA fighter in Japan and all around giant black man, and Danshoku Dino, a gay pro wrestler who's moves include the "Cock Bottom" (a Rock Bottom where he puts his opponents hand down his pants first) and the Shining Dick (a take off on Keiji Mutoh's Shining Wizard wherein he runs at a kneeling opponent, steps off his knee and thrusts his crotch at the opponent's face).

Anyway, I thought I would paste the rules for the match.

----------------------------------

DDT has announced the stipulations for Danshoku Dino Vs Bob Sapp on this Sunday’s Sumo Hall show. There was a dispute over what the rules for the match would be come the day of the show but a solution was created and both parties have agreed to it.

The match will consist of 30 rounds, all lasting three minutes each. There will be a minute long break seperating every round. The entire fight will alternate between “Bob Rules” and “Gay Rules”. Every odd numbered round will use “Bob Rules” and every even numbered round uses “Gay Rules”. Here are the descriptions for the two rule sets.

“Bob Rules”

The match can end in the following ways:

a. Pinfall.
b. Knockout via 10 second count.
c. When a fighter gives up or his corner throws in the towel.
d. If the referee has determined that a fighter can no longer compete or has lost the will to fight.
e. If a fighter suffers a terrible injury. However the referee or fight doctor has the right to determine whether or not the fighter can continue.

Instep kicks are prohibited. However, knee strikes are allowed on a crouching opponent. Strikes behind the neck, strikes aimed at the kidney, open hand chops and other striking attacks normally found in modern pro wresting are banned. Fighters will be given a warning for using illegal attacks. Fighters can be disqualified after one or two warnings.

Finally, any moves that create sexual excitement for the fighter on offense are banned. Such moves include, but are not limited to, touching your opponent’s crotch, rubbing against your opponent, caressing your own crotch and dry humping.

“Gay Rules”

Exactly the same as pro wrestling but attacks aimed towards the groin region are now legal.
--------------------------



Danshoku won with the Gaydo Clutch.

Metaphors

4/17/93 Circleville, OH (Big Time Wrestling/Bobby Fulton promoter - 200): Loser has to ride a donkey: Bobby Fulton b Grim Reaper

Sometimes I wonder about dying, and it's good to know that not only do other people, but they face their fears and make them ride farm animals.

Catching Up

As noted, I've been on hiatus while writing a story for a future anthology (with any luck) and so wrestling writing has taken a backseat ever so briefly. However, I thought it would be worth sharing that ROH is pretty awesome. Currently, the Embassy, a heel stable in the organization filed a lawsuit (pro wrestling style) against the wrestler Homicide for attacking one of it's figureheads R.D. Evans with a chair. Noting in the lawsuit that he was struck by said chair at a speed clocked at 88 MPH.



I still love Professional Wrestling. More to come soon.

A Small Piece of History

I've been on hiatus as I've been trying to pump out some fiction and I deal a lot better with reality, at least when it comes to writing. Nevertheless, an additional problem has been a lack of things to write about. Can't write something you're not feeling, and I've given my hand to trying to review this or that, but I guess I'm not a so-and-so did a move and then this guy hit another movie type of writer.

So I've been watching some great wrestling, and maybe I'll do a couple of posts of recommendations in a bit, but I was watching TNA Impact this evening and I caught Samoa Joe vs. Rob Van Dam. It was interesting to see Joe back him into the corner and throw these heavy punches that I can't imagine them not hurting. Then RVD turns him around and it looks like he's trying to shoo a fly off of Joe's face. The match was pretty good when he was just jumping and flipping, but man...what a lost chance Joe was.

In a little organization, which is still around today, called Ring of Honor, Joe was the MAN. Big Samoan guy, big offense, had charisma and presence and he could talk too. He looked like he could kill you. And while I'm not a big fan of the American crowd chants, the "Joe is gonna kill you" chant was always a pretty good one, and it actually kind of added something to his character.

At his peak, Joe was champion for nearly two years and had some of the best matches in America. In fact, he was in one of my favorite matches period. It was a match that was almost transcendental, at least in a wrestling sense. Wherein, it wasn't just a good wrestling match, it was an EVENT. It was a FIGHT. There wasn't really a big build up to this match, no angles shot, or interviews given where they run each other down. It was ROH's best guy, Samoa Joe vs., at the time, likely the best wrestler in the world, Kenta Kobashi. And I would probably add the most physical, as well. The Japanese style lends itself more to the athletic side of things, it treats itself more like a sport. With that in mind, the matches are often more hard hitting and just plain old painful. I'm sure Mitsuharu Misawa's elbow strikes hurt, and I'm sure Toshiaki Kawada's kicks hurt, but for sheer thud and smack and ye-ow! factor, I would nominate Kenta Kobashi's chops as some of the worst.

So, there it was. The best guy from Japan, the best guy from the USA. They got into the ring, shook hands and had a wrestling match. The ROH crowd is a knowledgeable crowd (read: geeks) and of course they know Kobashi. They know all his moves, they've seen his matches, and this is one of, if not the, first match he had on US soil. So every single person in the place is excited to see this stout, chop-throwing monster who enthralled them through the 80's and into the 00's.

They made the choice not to have announcers call this match, and I think it's a good one. It lends itself to the atmosphere and makes the event feel even bigger than it is. Anyway, enough hyperbole, I just watched this match and it made me want to write about it. So I've said my piece and I'll allow the match to say the rest.

Samoa Joe vs. Kenta Kobashi