I was having myself a shave and thinking about all the
regular life crap that I have to do tomorrow, going to work as a simple
example, and I was having a hard time being very confident about any of
it. You know, you have yourself, which
is the active you; the person who goes and talks to people and is the physical
embodiment of your being but then there's also your perception, which is what
shapes you. I think anyone that can
actually write the last couple of sentences I've written probably is starting
out with a disadvantage.
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| Not Pictured: His normally enormous beard. |
So there I was thinking to myself how am I going to get
through this next day and kind of feeling as though I wasn't all that great of
a person. It's safe now to ask, what
does this have to do with wrestling? On
the surface this seems maybe a bit more suited for some personal introspection
or maybe a therapist or something, but I find when I feel down I turn to the
Boogie Woogie Man.
This past Monday was Jimmy Valiant's birthday and I thought
that it would only be fitting if I worked him in to my mini-project here. There are some guys who just are exactly what
they are. In Buddhism, it would essentially
be zen. A state of being without thought
to being. Just doing what you do. That's truly mastering yourself as a person. And if you get "Come to Papa"
tattooed across your stomach, I would guess you don't give a fuck about the
perceptions of others.
On one side of the ring you have the Stud Stable consisting
of Robert Fuller, Jimmy Golden and Tommy Rich along with Downtown Bruno and Miss
Silvia. If you were in a psych class or
something, you might think of them as society.
Vain and judgemental. On the
other side is the Superstar Bill Dundee, a short Australian, Jeff Jarrett, with
his bleached hair and of course, Jimmy Valiant.
Jarrett may seem sort of the odd man out, but under the tutelage of a
Jimmy Valiant you're bound to hear a few jail stories and maybe some of it
might get through to Jeff and he can give him a prison tattoo using some
magnets and a guitar string.
 |
| Big Mama's Flowers |
Valiant is wearing his "Big Mamma's Flowers" shirt
and clapping and stomping even though there is no music to be heard, but he
knows there's music somewhere and maybe he can get something started. Unfortunately, the match starts instead. Jarrett is in there going move for move with Fuller
until Golden comes in to break up a post-suplex pin. Jarrett outsmarts them both and then cleans
house with some dropkicks. Boogie Woogie
comes in for some celebratory butt bumps with his team.
 |
| Bring 'em back! |
Fuller gets Dundee into the corner after the tag and throws
some really cool looking punches before making the tag to Tommy Rich. Dundee is in control with a lot of hip tosses
and bodyslams before Rich cheats and pulls him by his hair to the other corner.
Dundee's too crafty to get caught up and
scurries between Rich's legs for the hot tag to Valiant. Valiant's version of a hot tag is a bit
different than your average wrestler. He
picks up the ref and throws him down, proceeds to the other corner and hip
thrusts at the two men on the outside, hip thrusts for an additional 30 seconds
at the man who was already in the ring (and assumedly waiting to be punched in
the face still) before finally blocking three punches and starting his big
offensive push. Jimmy gets whipped into
the ropes, stomps the fingers of Downtown Bruno trying to cheat and then slides
outside to make out with Miss Silvia.
THAT is how you make a comeback.
 |
| Valiant has long found a loophole in the law that after 15 sexual assaults you can no longer be charged. MERCY! |
Verne Gagne on commentary speculates that if he were a
beautiful lady he may not like to be kissed by Valiant. If we were a more diverse community, this
might have launched a thousand fanfics.
Valiant puts in all the offense he knows, the noggin knocker and punches
before bringing Jarrett back in. Tommy
Rich hits a low blow and Jarrett's in trouble.
Golden comes in and gets suplexed.
Everybody comes in Jarrett gets a sleeper hold on Golden, Dundee puts
the figure four on Fuller and in the corner Valiant is applying his submission
finisher, a 3 minute eye rake on Rich.
The rest of the Stud Stable come in and it's a DQ win for Valiant and
company. Brickhouse Brown comes out to
help and it's a party, just like Valiant loves.
Of course, after a party you have to clean house, and out goes the
Stud Stable.
I don't think too many wrestling enthusiasts would praise
Valiant for his wrestling skill, but the man was what he was. Even if you hated him, you couldn't ask for a
more entertaining guy to stand on the outside for a tag match. When you think too much about life, you start
wondering why you're in it. When you
thrust your crotch at anyone and everyone, you remove all doubt. Life's questions will answer themselves when
you never stop hearing the music. And
Boogie Woogie Jimmy Valiant will just keep dancing until a party starts.
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| Thrust until you're finally free. |
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