I am only passively aware of current Japanese wrestling, but these are all
guys I know pretty well or at least through King of Colosseum 2; Ishii I’m
looking at you. Iizuka has changed quite
a bit. He used to be all shoot kickpads
and sleeper holds and now he is fucking NUTS, yanking people around in the
crowd, dragging people by their collars.
Ishii looks exactly as I remember him, maybe a few more polygons, Yano
is the same just without those bothersome eyebrows. Iizuka grabs the tv announcer by the scruff
of his neck and drags him over the announce tables and the guardrail and proceeds
to pull all of his shirts off; far more shirts than one announcer needs. Yano in the meantime yanks Yuji Nagata
backwards at the announce table for trying to help or possibly jealous of his
luscious eyebrows.
 |
TenKoji comes out to their sweet mash-up theme. I have no idea if this is a reunion for them
or not. I’m pretty sure Kojima has been
in All Japan for most of the time.
Tenzan has probably been almost winning a lot of big stuff in New Japan
before ultimately injuring himself.
Mutoh is the fucking manliest gay cowboy ever. He still moves like the guy who jumps out at
you at the haunted house, very controlled bursts of energy. I guess 10,000 moonsaults will slow you
down.
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| He rode in on a horse named Fabulous. |
CHAOS gets the jump on our dream
team and Yano grabs the mic and yells at the crowd for flaunting their eyebrows
at him or something. Kojima takes him
back in the ring for some signature strikes.
Mutoh is still really fast for the split second where he drops the
flashing elbow. Iizuka CHEATS~! and hits
Mutoh with the chair while simultaneously scaring the hell out of his former
announcer victim.
Perhaps having a breakthrough with this immersion therapy,
the announcer starts screaming “MUTOH GANBATTE!” at Iizuka as he keeps putting
the boots to Mutoh. Back inside Iizuka
starts choking Mutoh with a rope. Iizuka
constantly looks like his head is about to explode. He kind of works the same as I remember,
except he replaced all his rest holds with underhanded tactics. Yano comes in and starts apeing the Tenzan
Mongolian Chops. He does the Mutoh pose
after the second one and Mutoh does this great sell of “Wait a second….that’s
my po…ahh shit” as he takes the last chop.
 |
| Heeeeey! |
Mutoh makes the hot tag to Kojima who does the Kobashi
endless chops in the corner and now I wonder what Kobashi is up to and if NOAH
is still alive. Another day. Kojima with
the ‘Ichiyaro Bakayaro’ elbow. Mutoh is
in and hits 16 dropkicks to everyone’s knees and 10 dragon screws to get to our
triple submission spot, Mutoh with the Figure Four, Tenzan with his Anaconda
Vice and Kojima with his hammerlock sleeper thing that I vaguely remember as a
Fire Pro D download move maybe?
Ishii is left in the ring because he has the least
interesting tights and takes a TenKoji Cutter followed by the original SHINING
WIZARD~! The ref is pulled out of the
ring before the three though. Iizuka has
STEEL FINGERS!!! I fucking love
Iizuka. Let’s go down the list,
1) Disregard for Human Life. Check
2) Sweet ass skulls on his tights and knee
pads. Check
3) Steel Fingers to poke people with. Double Check
But, as things do, it goes awry and he pokes Yano in his
chest instead. Iizuka eats a Shining
Wizard and Ishii wanders in because it’s time for him to lose. Get some caccodemons on your tights or
something dude. Lightning doesn’t cut it
in 2012. Lariato, Diving Headbutt,
Moonsault. This one’s over.
Mutoh still has the best moonsault. It’s probably easier for him now that his
kneecaps are dust. The announcer is
going nuts and throws his headset down in joy.
Mutoh wants him in the ring!
Iizuka eats an extra-curricular KojiCutter. He’s tossed to the corner, Mutoh with the
Shining Wizard and Pale Asian announcer with the Lariato. The other announcer is losing his shit. This was way better than any John Cena
Make-A-Wish. He’s back on commentary
crying with joy, his incredibly small nipples still glistening from battle.
I need to see more 2012 Iizuka.
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